My crucial feeling.. =/

Haayy..

It was all so rushed yesterday..

Enrollment sucks by the way!! (Pahirapan pa!! Thank God I am not an irregular student.. Tss..)

Hate our sched!! Darn.. If I could just changed it myself..

Hmpf.. Hate it..

Anyhow.. I was prepared for that.. The harder it seems every sem..

Ahaayy.. It was great start Yesterday..

Ang ganda ng simula ng araw ku kahapon... It was fun start..

I was happy.. Coz.. I enrolled with him..

Kasama ko siya.. 8am in the morning pa lang..
Saya saya ku na..
Enrolling wasn't so hard..
Computer system kasi kaya sobrang bilis na.. I was happy..
Kasi.. Its not everyday.. I get to hold the man who made me the best.. Haayyy.. Ang kulet kulet namen nung magkasama kami.. Nag papaluan.. Nag kukurutan..
Naguusap.. Nag kukulitan.. I would stare.. He would stare back..

Para kaming sira sometimes but still...

Looking at him makes me complete every time.. Like.. Having him beside me makes me the best..

I felt everything I want to be whenever I am with him.. My heart was whole.. Lagi naman ganun.. Coz I was happy every time I was with him.. Usually I was overwhelmed.. Ahhayy..

So I was talking to him.. Whenever Kasama ku mga friends tahimik lang siya.. Tahimik which is akward.. Hmpf.. Sanay kasi akung maingay siya ehh.. Madaldal.. Makulet..

It was noon nun.. Kakatapos lang namin kumaen.. We were waiting for Dude.. Andun kami sa Enrolment Center (Auditorium ng school namen)

Malamig dun.. Aircondition was open.. I thought he was cold.. Nakupo kami sa arm chair.. Both of us.. Then he said.. He was just going out.. Sobrang quiet lang siya after lunch.. And I thought he was not feeling well.. I followed him out..

I ask why did he stayed there.. And he asked me.. Why did I followed him.. I said.. I wanted to be with him..

It was an akward silence which I knew what it meant.. Darn..

Haayy.. I told you.. Our realtionship was not so perfect.. We may not argue as most lovers do.. But..

We have our own issues.. I don't want to talk about the issue because it was long gone and it was DEAD GONE.. Darn it..

Anyhow.. I was aking him what's wrong.. And he told me...

"Ang Panget talaga dito sa Perps.."

I know what he meant.. Not that my school is not a good school but he meant something I already knew..

Ahhayyy.. Darn it.. Last August was the most crucial part of our relationship..
He was emotionally in battle with himself.. I can't tell you why..

Its hard to talk about that..

Anyway.. It was dead silent again.. For minutes we didn't talk.. Like it was hours ticking away.. Darn.. I know what was inside of his mind.. I know him that much..

Alam ku na yun.. Memorize ku na.. And it was torturing me.. Ugh..

I hate when it comes that part of the day.. Ahayyy.. Kainis..

Anyhow.. We were not looking at each other anymore.. I was staring at our University lobby.. Andun kasi kami sa tapat ng Auditorium... He was looking at the sky..

Badtrip.. Hayy.. It was dead silent for minutes.. Time was slipping away.. Darn it.. I finally saw my celfone..

There was something in my phone.. I never heard this song for the past two years..

At eversince I have the copy of that song.. Palagi ku na yun pinapakinggan...
Kanta niya kasi sakin yun nung highschool... And involuntary.. My hand pressed the PLAY button..

I turned around.. Naiiyak kasi aku ehh.. Napapikit aku.. I wish.. Things were different..

Naktalikod aku.. may hawak siyang empty na mineral bottle.. Pinalo niya sa cement.. It popped out! OMG! Ang tahimik namin then it created a hysterical noise.. Deep inside of course I was shocked.. But I stayed composed as usual..
I can keep my emotions physically especially when I am pissed..

It continue just like that.. Hangang sa bumaba na yung mga friends ku.. I talked to them as if nothing happened between us.. He stayed quiet.. There are some minutes that I forgot that he was there.. I pretended he was not there.. Until palabas na kami sa Cat walk on the way out.. He was the 1st one na naglakad ng mabilis but he clapped harshly 3 times and shouted..

"Bat niya ginawa!!!"

Sobrang lakas.. Nag katinginan na nga lang kami ng mga Tropa ku.. Sh*t..

Darn.. I know what he mean.. Ugh.. It was so off..

Hayyy.. After that.. bumili kami sa Select.. He stayed outside.. And then I follow him.. I saw him.. With tears in his eyes..

My heart swelled up the moment I saw him like that.. I asked what's wrong..
He answered me..

"Bakit ang sakit sakit pa din.."

I honestly know what was running through his mind.. It hurts so bad.. Pero wala akung magawa..

Masakit sakin sobra.. Parang sinasakal aku.. Pero hindi aku umiyak dahil kailangan merong isang matatag samin and this time I have to be strong for that..

I asked.. which was stronger.. The Pain or The thought of not having me..

The thought of not having me.. Haay.. Yung ang sagot niya.. I just said..

"Move on"

We were still not talking to each other that much.. But it was getting better.. I asked if he could stay a little longer with me.. Sabi ku punta siya samin..

Sabi niya kung yun daw gusto ku.. Haayyy.. Andito kami sa bahay..

Finally he smiled with me.. Laugh with me a little.. But still stared at me with pain in his eyes..

IT HURTS...


Before he left.. He gave me the best hug I have ever experienced.. It was the best.. Haaayyy..

After he left.. I felt that we needed to talk..

So.. I called him later that night..

We started 11pm and ended 3am in the morning.. We talked alot about the things that hurts the most..

Ang akward nga namin.. Hindi kami masyado nag aaway.. As in.. Minsan lang but.. Our relationship is cracking because of something that already happened and we couldn't take it all away..

IT HURTS A LOT...

Na.. Our relationship is battling out about the past.. That sucks so badly..

The whole duration of our Love talk my tears keep falling down to my cheeks especially when I ask him this question..


Me: Anu yung nakapag contain ng feelings mu?

Luvie: Pag naalala ku yun.. Nagagalit aku.. Gusto ku mag wala.. Gusto ku manapak.. gusto ku mag amok.. Huhigpit hawak ku.. Parang ang tapang ku.. Parang ang lakas ku..

Me: ........

Luvie: Pero lahat yun.. Nawawala pag naalala ku na kung panu ka ngumiti.. Pag naalala ku na yung mata mu.. Lahat.. Nawawala.. Lahat.. Maalala ku lang.. Isang glimpse lang.. I lived my life with no regrets.. Lahat ng gingawa ku.. Sinisigurado ku muna.. Para sa huli hindi aku mag sisi.. Pero.. Ito lang yung isang bagay na pinagsisihan ku sa buhay ku Tin.. Ito lang..

I was crying hearing that from him.. I was having a hard time breathing.. Parang walang oxygen.. Kahit through celphone lang kami mag kausap.. Gusto ku siya yakapin.. Gusto ku lumuhod.. To say I am really sorry that I messed up..

I wanted to give up... So that he wouldn't hurt anymore but I doubt if I ever can let him go.. Its hard.. Coz every single day.. I feel na.. Its getting harder but what else could I do?

Gusto ku sumuko not because I don't love him anymore.. I do love him every day, very hour, every minute, every second.. I always have and I will always love him..

But I don't want him to hurt anymore.. Ang hirap.. Because it keeps coming back.. and I don't know how to stop it..

ANG HIRAP...

Sabi ku nga.. Sa sampung beses na lalaban ka.. Kahit isa lang dun.. Ipanalo mu para sakin.. Kahit isa lang.. Masaya na aku..


Hayy.. Ayokong maramdaman na hindi kami meant to be.. Ayoko maramdaman yun.. Ayoko talaga..

At alam ku.. If this won't stop.. Our realtionship will die.. I don't know if this will ever stop...

Ang hirap lang talaga lumaban sa ganito...

Isa lang dasal ku ehh..

I wish na sana.. Through clouds..

"Lord.. Take it all away.."


Kitinn....

Nga pala.. This is the song I played nung tahimik lang kami.. Theme song namin yan..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyXFYKKSkcQ